going down without a fight

I have four Ativan left. Four. I haven't taken the stuff in months, to be honest, because I keep thinking that the worst is yet to come and I should save it for that time, which I guess I am assuming I will recognize as the worst immediately and without a doubt.

Tonight seems like the right night for it, but instead I am taking lots of deep breaths, and writing this. I think everything is packed. And by "everything", what I actually mean is "whatever fit into one suitcase without making it weigh over 55 pounds". One suitcase and my sweet new backpack, that is. This is not enough stuff. This is not logical. I already know there are things I am not packing: sandals of any kind, an alarm clock, an iron. My father's comment, upon inspecting my suitcase, was that I am packing "entirely too many dresses". According to him, people "don't really wear dresses" in Mexico. The observation "pants are what you will need the most" (which, let's face it, is extremely wise) was made several times.

Ultimately I can't think of too many things I just can't live without, so that's good.

So: the cell phone is cancelled, the bills are paid (mostly. the ones that aren't have been "addressed". ahem.), the car is sold (holy crap! remind me to cancel the insurance payments!), the stuff is stored, aaaand stuff is packed in a suitcase. I'm ready. Important questions like "when will WfP pay me?" or "where do they sell nutritional yeast?" have not been answered, or even asked. I told a friend of mine earlier that I've been so busy focusing on the preparations that I haven't had time to focus on what's going to happen once I get there. I have no idea what's going to happen.

A bright side in all of this is that there are people in my same boat. The other two people going down are having the same issues (what are we forgetting?!), and I guess in a way that's comforting.

I guess I wanted to capture this moment in time, mostly for myself. This is not exciting. It is painful and anxiety-inducing. It is difficult and there are lessons to be learned--about how much stuff I carry around, about my relationship with my family and people outside of it.... I am not sure that there is an amount of planning, foresight, or pre-reading that would've better prepared me for what's coming.

I am amazed by my parents, who think this is the world's worst idea, but are still watching, pitching in every once in a while when I am being absolutely irrational, and I guess in general being really emotionally generous. Maybe this seems silly, but their nudging, their way of expressing care, is really wonderful. I am grateful.

And those are the things that are keeping me glued together--not the wild enthusiasm, the sense of adventure, the need to be brave. It's the way my family still goes along with something they disagree with, because they won't let me go alone. And right now, on the brink of a time that seems like it could bring enormous loneliness, that is a wonderful feeling.