sigh

I am really sorry if you are a person who reads this blog, because the following post is a downer. You might want to skip it. I'm just saying. It's pretty self-indulgent.

Today started out being a good day, with trips to small towns and churches and "probably" the biggest tree in Latin America. I realized, because the day was so calm and pleasant, how much weird anxiety is just wired into my life.

And then I got home and it sank back in and now I'm cranky about it. If you have no place to run to, when you are so far from what you know that you were probably just running in the first place, and the things you have to count on aren't things you can trust, what the hell are you supposed to do? I feel like a little island sometimes. Maybe like a little island with a nuclear power plant on it. I know this is bad, this is harmful. I am sometimes worried about how hard it is for me to not be an ugly person in this situation.

Anyway. Rant over. The tiny church at the big tree, the Tule, was quite pretty, and surrounded by tourists. On the other hand, surprisingly, the church at Tlacolula, which shuts down its central streets for a huge Sunday market, didn't seem to be getting too much tourist attention, but was basically one of the prettiest churches I've ever seen (and I've seen A LOT of churches).

I also helped Tony make some bread that turned out pretty well. Bread is fun, it is the science-y-est of baking projects. You can tell the things that made a difference every time, and it's fun to predict how things will be different if you change a few measurements or ingredients or temperatures around next time.

I'm pretty unmotivated about the things I like right now. I've been forcing myself to take pictures because I know that eventually I'll want them, and besides my cheer-up efforts definitely have put me in the way of some really beautiful things, but I'm grumpy about it. I'm grumpy about cooking and about making art lately, too. It just feels like it's in vain or something. I'm trying really hard to pretend I care about that stuff anyway, I'm not sure why. At least work is still awesome. The delegates arrive on the fifth, and I'm excited to work with them!

This will be fiiiine.